


When she lost him forever

by lailasuniverse



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: F/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 10:26:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11781225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lailasuniverse/pseuds/lailasuniverse
Summary: When Theron turns out to be Alliance's traitor, Commander Riannel is left to grieve the loss of a man she loved. Not believing this could ever happen, she starts to doubt every decision she ever made only to figure out why did Theron leave. And although Lana provides help, her judgement is too clouded to understand her concern.





	When she lost him forever

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank my dear friend Eniko who spent so much time with me, crying over Theron for long days and nights. Also, she is my beta. And if this fic adds some salt to your wounds, please forgive me.

It was all clouded, no matter how hard she tried to see. Riannel wanted to understand but there was no way breaking down the wall in her mind. Once again, she tried reaching out to the Force but only echoes of the past were given as an answer.  
  
_"I should have reached out to you sooner. Whatever's next, whatever insanity comes our way - I won't make that mistake again."_

It was his voice. It brought a sense of relief to her soul, but once memories emerged from the corner of her mind, an unbearable feeling of hopelessness took over her, leaving her completely vulnerable.

Riannel opened her eyes, finding her connection to the Force was unstable more than ever. "Theron..." she let out in a weary sigh and closed her eyes again to hold back her tears.  
It was like a sharp knife through her heart, killing her slowly. Whatever cause she believed in and fought for this whole time was already gone along with a person she held most dear. All she achieved suddenly proved useless in the end and she lost everything in a blink of an eye.

Another sleepless night added to her exhaustion and she couldn't take it anymore. The feeling of loss was too strong and too real to overcome. Riannel burst into tears, letting out loud cries. Shameful, that was how she felt. Riannel bent forward, the torrent of tears rolling by. She pressed her hands against the bed, clenching the sheets with all her strength.

The feel of guilt made her think back to when she rose up as the Commander of the Alliance, hoping to be a good leader to those with no faith in a victory against the evil. With every step, she could do more, thanks to the people who stood beside her, thanks to him. They all fought for the peace she always wished for until the decision she shouldn't have ever made. Had she not agreed to sit on the throne of the man she despised the most, nothing of this would happen. At least that's what she thought.

Now it was too late to take this all back. And for these decisions, Riannel suffered the heaviest loss, one she won't accept. She'd given up on the entire universe if that was the thing which separated her from Theron. To only be in his arms once again, to feel his warm and to hear his gentle voice, to wake up next to him, she'd give anything she has to get him back.

The memory of Theron reached her and she suffocated on every breath she tried to take. The pain not getting any better. With her head buried in her arms, she bit her lip to hold back her cries.

Somebody knocked on the door, opening the door without waiting for permission to enter. "Commander, we've just found-"

It was Lana, already bringing some news as would Riannel expect. Right now this news was just as good as all the letters everyone sent her to lend a hand in the war against the "traitor". Riannel wasn't lucid enough to realise nobody, not even her friends, should see her like this, especially when not having the power to pretend everything is as it should be.

"Commander, is everything alright?" Lana looked worried, knowing this was too hard even for someone like her.  With as much comfort as she could offer, she reached out to the Force to help her ease the stress but met a sturdy defence in her way.

Riannel rose up her head, looking at Lana with eyes drowned with tears. "I don't want anyone to console me just because I look like this. I don't want..." she bit her lip again, putting all effort into not breaking down. "I don't want anyone to tell me it isn't my fault because I am the one to blame. Because I should have known better. Because I-"

"Commander, you did the best you could-"

"No, I did not!" Riannel shouted out. Lana stood there silenced, worry in her face.

Riannel's expression went from anger sadness again. She stood up and passed by Lana, only to rest against a wall, so her Sith friend won't see her mourn. "I was ready to destroy the nest of the creature who deserved the worst but what I did, hm? When all this was over, I continued this charade only because I thought it would help people! It did not! I..."

 _"The Alliance outgrew you. Now it's rotting from the inside, the galaxy's fighting back, and you've become a symbol of oppression. So much for your dreams of peace."_   Theron's voice echoed in her head. She wished to snap out of it, for hearing him like this only brought more pain onto her chest.

"Because I didn't help anybody, only brought more uncertainty and fear in their minds! Theron... was right. If I've only opened my eyes, I would never... I would never sit there," her voice cracked and tears started to flow anew. "Because I never wanted the throne. I did this to save people but I was wrong."

"I know you might not agree on this with me - but you need to stop doubt yourself. You must use reason and understand it's not you who did wrong. It was all Valkorion and all of us suffered. I don't know what Theron thinks but this isn't the solution he's looking for. I knew him for so long, Commander, he would never-"

"Betray us?" Riannel asked, a certain amusement combined with sorrow in her voice. "No, he wouldn't." A slight smile on her lips would tell there's some hope she feels but it was the complete opposite. She was deluged with despair and her smile was nothing but a foolish wish of what might have been. "That's what I thought, too..."

Lana looked away, the tormented expression in Commander's face bringing shadows into her heart. There was nothing she could do now, only to leave her alone. Although she knew too well that's what she shouldn't be now. Alone. "I will... try to find more traces so we can go after Theron as soon as possible."

With that, the door shut close, and the silence overgrew in an unpleasant company. Riannel went back to her bed. Laying down, she reached out for her datapad, reading letters from Theron, the ones he sent when he was still with her.

A notification popped up in the corner of her datapad's display. What she saw didn't make any sense to her, and her heart felt like it stopped beating for a while. What she just received was a message she didn't expect to ever get.

> _I love you,_  
>  _I saw your message on the HoloNet. I wish I could drop everything and leave with you, somewhere away from all this war and death. But that's just a nice dream - reality is much harder._  
>  _Feels like I've fought for peace all my life, but everyone has let me down. The Jedi, the Republic, even the Alliance. The galaxy doesn't deserve this endless war for power. I just want it to stop. But now, I've ﬁnally ﬁgured out how to end the destruction. Trust that everything I do is for the good of the galaxy._  
>  _I don't expect you to understand. But however this ends, I just want you to know that I loved you from the moment I saw you. And I always will._

That was it, she realised. That's when she loses him forever. Once she finished reading, she found herself staring at the display with no way to look away. It felt like she stopped breathing, like if she lost everything to an unfair fate. She was everything that let him down, and probably everything he came to hate. She was the Republic, the Jedi and even the Alliance. The more she wished to deny it, the more she realised how desperate situation this was for her.

If given a choice, she'd drop it here and run away, run away to save him from everything he becomes the goal he wishes to fulfil.  
But there was no way for her to do that. Only to wait whether or not she sees him. And however she sees him next time, it won't be the way she could saw him until now. She won't see him ever again, much to her grief.

**Author's Note:**

> Now if you wanna shout at me, feel free to do so here: http://lailasuniverse.tumblr.com/


End file.
